hidden_easel

So Josh came over again last night, but he had to leave early this morning because he had to pick up his parent's dog from the vet he then said "Where's my underwear? This is going to be the worse walk of shame ever, the dog is just going to look at me and be like "you dirty bitch, you" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Guess who got fired?!?!?!

*fist pump*

Fuck my life

Oh, so I've been hesitant to type this out, but a couple of months my roommates were working on a movie called 'The East' and Aldis Hodge was cast in it. My roomie is a very... lovable chick. She just attracts attention. Her and Aldis became really good friends and we even all went bowling together. SO YEAH. It was really hard not to fan girl cause he was just so awesome and laid back, but we were just hanging out. My other roomie really wanted to get a picture of the two of them for her massive collection but my other roomie said to not be weird and mention tv stuff. She kind of pissed us of. But yeah, we played pool one night and then went bowling another night (holy fuck he's like a pro!). So yeah, I just wanted to tell someone who actually knew him.

Did the internet get sick? Where is everyone?

Well, I'm trying to get back on the right meds, but for right now I decided to go see a band I haven't seen in 4 years and now the seven of them are sleeping in my living room. Good night. Check out BUXTON

It's my birthday, but I haven't told anyone.

The last couple of weeks have been hard. I can't stop crying. I can't stop wanting to just end it all.

After work today I'm going to get in my car and keep driving. I think I might stay somewhere in Arkansas for a little while. I just can't live this monotonous life anymore. I can't. I'm going to end up killing myself if I have to stay home one more night with a bottle cheap whiskey in one hand and sleeping medication in the other.
I need to escape. I'm writing this in case I'm not picking up my phone. I'm writing this in case something happens.
I'm writing this because I just can't take it anymore.

It's my birthday, but I haven't told anyone

Over the past couple of years I've been part of a group of friends just dubbed "The film kids". I worked with them all hours of the day, created projects with them and had amazing times and laughs. One of the film kids was shot and killed while trying to save his brother when their house got raided by some thugs trying to steal some drugs from his brother.
I didn't know him that well, but we worked with each other and shared laughs and what not.
I said a eulogy at his funeral on behalf of his friends because no one else could.
I made hundreds of buttons with his face on them and we all still wear them.

I will become this friend any year now. I am completely astounded that I am still alive at the moment. I may even make it to 25.
But I will become the next Charles. I am going to be the friend that years from now people are going to look back on and say "Damn, Jill was fucking hilarious and a great friend, but so depressed."
I am depressed. This is an illness, I know that.
Everytime I go through one of my "episodes" I want to run my car into a tree. I never want to leave my bed. I cry all the time. I cry at work. I hyperventilate at Roller Derby Practice.

I am seeing a psychiatrist, I am on meds (that do need to be adjusted), but I can't do this anymore.

My best friend in the world/roommate has been avoiding me for 3 days. I finally went into her room and asked her if she was mad at me. She just responded "I just needed a break from you for a while". This was after I had a panic attack at Derby (that she joined me for) and sped home after getting horribly angry at myself when we stopped at McDonald's because she was hungry.
After they messed up my order it was like this giant neon sign of "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? YOU ARE TRYING TO LOSE WEIGHT. DON'T EAT THE FUCKING FOOD"
And after I sped home (which I believe scared the shit out of her) I left the food on the counter, she put it in the fridge and the next day I threw it away.

I'm going to kill myself. I know it. I won't be slitting my wrists, I'm not going to use a gun. But some day soon I am going to be so negligent and out of self worth that I am going to kill myself.

Now,my only problem with this is that when I'm not hyperventilating and crying hysterically I am happy. I love life. I look back at the past few days and pity this other Jill I become.

I just don't know how much longer I can put this suicidal Jill at Bay. Every time it gets harder and harder. Meds don't work. I take so much klonopin I can't believe my kidneys haven't shut down.

I. I just don't know anymore.
I can't do this anymore. Please. Can someone help me?

I can't stand living like this anymore. I can't. I can't even explain it. I can't stop crying. Can't stop having panic attacks.
I'm trying. I swear to god I'm trying. On meds again, new therapist. working out with the Roller Derby chicks. Haven't been late to work in a long time.
I just can't. I can't function. This isn't normal. and I know that doesn't matter. But it makes waking up in the morning so hard.
So hard. I just want everything to stop.
I want to restart. I need a do over. Please.
Just. Please. One do over.

Trying some new things with my photography and thing I've learned at my new Graphics Shop job,